Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi!

I want my Pepsi. I've been told I need to cut down on my Pepsi consumption. I drink about a 6-pack (okay, maybe a little more) a day at times. I'm addicted to it. But hey, I quit smoking, didn't I?

To be totally honest, I want my damn cigarettes, too.

There, I said it.

Yes, I said that I am still craving my cigarettes after all this time. I quit smoking after I had to go into the hospital for an emergency surgery and have my appendix removed. I was in the hospital for three days and both my doctor and my husband told me, "Well, you may as well quit smoking -- you haven't had a cigarette for three days now! Keep going! You're doing good!!"

So, out of guilt, pressure (HHHmmm, how coincidental that "Pressure" by Billy Joel is playing the on stereo at this very moment in time!!) and hopes of pleasing my husband and making him proud of me, I caved and didn't start smoking after coming home from the hospital.

Now, you'd think that after not smoking for three days that the hard part would be over, right? Sure! The major "cravings" weren't there. It wasn't that. It wasn't that I wanted the nicotine or that I "Jonesing" for it or something. Okay, well, maybe when I was really, really stressed out I would get those really bad cravings. But the thing that was really hard was that it wasn't my choice!

People quit smoking when THEY want to quit. They decide that they don't want to smoke anymore, that they are done, that they want to quit. That's how my friend did it; that's how my parents did it; that's how my HUSBAND did it; that's how my husband's friend is doing it now! AND, my husband is telling him the same thing I'm saying right now! "You need to know that the time is right for you or you won't be successful. You need to know you want to quit - you have to want to do it."

Well, I was TOLD to quit. I never got to make that decision. It wasn't my choice! So is it any wonder that after all this time -- 8 months on May 10th -- that I STILL want a cigarette!!!??

I'm not saying that I want to smoke again. I'm not saying that I want to pick up a pack of cigarettes and start smoking every day or to get back into that habit. I know its a bad habit. Hell, I'm a nurse! I can list ten reasons why I shouldn't smoke without even thinking about it or putting any effort into it!

I just want to be the one to make the decision. I want to be the one to say "I chose to quit. I quit smoking." I don't want to say that I quit because I had to have surgery or because my husband and doctor told me to -- because that's really why I quit. I want to be the one that makes that decision.

Now maybe this is a bit of a tedious or mediocre -- hell, I'll even go as far as saying it might be down-right stupid -- thing to bitch about, as I know there are people out there who want to quit very badly but can't. But for me to get out from under these cravings -- emotional, mental cravings, not physical ones -- I'm going to have to be the one that breaks the addiction myself, not have someone break it for me. Otherwise, I may be an ex-smoker for five years, but I will ALWAYS want it, always feel I need it, and always crave it. The addiction will always be there ...

So, if it takes me buying a pack of cigarettes, lighting one of them and smoking one more time in order for me to break this addiction for myself, than so be it.

But it's my addiction to break ... before it breaks me.